Going Crazy

Sometimes I sit back and look at my desk at 3:30AM and wonder if Ibeautymind_orig am completely effing crazy.

I’ve got piles of commentaries stacked up like extra fortifying walls for my work area. There’s a sea of books on how to radically reform a religion, how to live my life with a purpose,  and how to deny myself daily. I have 5 bibles in different translations, another in Spanish, and another in my back pocket. I’ve got my main bible open to some dog-eared-to-hell page with more florescent highlight than white space.

I have a notebook with 80 pages of scribblings so random you’d think you were looking into the journal of a schizophrenic mad man. It’s filled with twice as many question marks than periods and jumps from topic to topic like a little boy with ADD on methamphetamines. 

I think of that great movie “A Beautiful Mind” where Russel Crowe does an award-winning job at portraying a completely crazy mathmatician. There’s aparticular scene where the audience gets a view of Crowe’s workspace from the persepective of reality (as most of the movie is in Crowe’s “reality”) and it looks a lot like my desk.

I think the first thing that a random person, and even myself, would ask when seeing my desk is “what the hell is this guy looking for?” and “has he gone mad?”

It’s so easy to get frustrated– all we want is to find God, to find complete allignment and understanding but all we have is this bible that seems to be in a code that we spend our entire lives cracking. 

Maybe going crazy is okay. Maybe God takes joy in our desire to reveal more out of life than what these brick walls and chain fences define. 

And as  he was saying these things in his defense, Festus said with a loud voice, ‘Paul, you are out of your mind; your great learning is driving you out of your mind!’  -Acts 26:24

No grand revelation or inspiring insight for this post, just an outcry to God that I am broken, lost, and violently searching for truth and reality in this world filled with white noise between us and Him.

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